Do You Know What BDSM is? Learn More From a Female Pleasure Expert

A New Self-Care Series, Brought to You by The Female Sex (Education)

My ‘Female Pleasure is Self-Care’ Series is going to be made up of Live Sessions, which you can attend every Monday at 10pm GMT on the Diem app to receive personalised sexual pleasure and sexual confidence tips! Female pleasure is self-care, so I want to do everything that I can to help you experience this for yourself: so come and talk to me every Monday at 10pm GMT on Diem, for your weekly dose of female sexual empowerment, as part of your self-care routine. If you missed one of the Sessions, don’t worry: a recap of each Session will be posted here, on the Diem Blog, and also in The Female Sex (Education) Space on Diem. You can read below for a recap of the second Session of this Series!

Session Two ‘Female Pleasure is Self-Care: What is BDSM?

We all know about Rihanna’s song, ‘S&M’ (‘now the pain is my pleasure’, ‘chains and whips excite me’, ‘come on, come on, come on, I like it, like it: S-S-S and M-M-M’). But, do you know about BDSM?

A lot of people assume that BDSM is all about getting excitement from pain, chains, and whips: and, yes, (as Rihanna knows) this is a part of it, but there’s a lot more to it than that! You don’t even have to be into chains and whips to be into BDSM!

So, let’s start with clarifying that, simply put, BDSM includes ANY sexual activity/ desire that is related to bondage and discipline, domination and submission, as well as sadism and masochism. If these terms are new for you and you're like, ‘what the fuck is all of this then?’, this can be a lot to think about all at once. So, it helps to break down BDSM into the B and D, the D and S, and the S and M (‘S, S, S and M, M M’).

So, let’s start with the B and D: BONDAGE and DISCIPLINE

Bondage and discipline are all about RESTRAINT.

Sexualised BONDAGE signifies any sexual activity that involves the physical restraint of someone— through various modes such as ropes/ chains/ handcuffs/ ankle cuffs/ blindfolds etc— as a means to get sexual gratification.

Sexualised DISCIPLINE involves the mental and/ or physical aspect of restraint and is the practice of instructing, training, and DISCIPLINING someone to OBEY RULES/ DEMANDS as a means to get sexual gratification. Punishment may be implemented as a response to disobedience (for example, if you are into discipline, you may experience sexual satisfaction from being ‘punished'— with a slap on the ass or something else— for being a ‘bad girl’).

Now, let's move onto the D and S: DOMINATION and SUBMISSION

Domination and submission are USUALLY ABOUT POWER PLAY.

A sexual encounter between a dominant person and a submissive (a ‘submissive' is someone who gets sexual gratification from, and consents to, their own sexual submission) usually involves power/ control being given, by the submissive, to someone who sexually enjoys, and consents to, sexually dominating the submissive.

Domination and submission can be implemented physically (e.g. a slap and a ponytail pull during doggy) and/ or verbally (e.g. a dominatrix saying something like, ‘good girl’, when her submissive obeys her order to lick her pussy out: this example also signifies, at the same time the discipline aspect of BDSM that I have just talked about. So, with certain sexual activities and experiences, the B & D, the D & S, and the S & M can overlap with each other.)

However, domination and submission is not always about power play. For example, you may identify as a submissive and get a lot of sexual pleasure from just lying back and receiving pleasure from someone during sexual activities, without necessarily wanting to feel like you are being dominated or controlled by that person. Similarly, whilst a woman may consent to and get a lot of sexual pleasure from being dominated by her sexual partner and having her ass slapped in doggy whilst they pull her ponytail back and say, ‘tell me your pussy is mine’, this does not necessarily mean that she identifies as a submissive in these situations.

A ‘switch’ is someone who enjoys, and consents to, experiencing both dominant and submissive sexual roles.

Now, now, now, ‘come on, come on, come on, I like it, like it, S-S-S and M-M-M’: so, the S&M— which Rihanna’s song is named after— stands for SADISM and MASOCHISM

Think of Rihanna’s lyrics, ‘now the pain is my pleasure’: a lot of people think that S&M is all about pleasure in physical pain (and hitting someone with chains and whips)… Yes, whilst physical pain is a constituent part of sadistic and masochistic enjoyment, sadism and masochism is all about getting sexual pleasure and gratification from incorporating physical and/or psychological pain/ suffering including HUMILIATION and DEGRADATION— into sexual activities.

If you are a SADIST, you get sexual gratification from INFLICTING pain/ suffering on a sexual partner. (There are sadists who get sexual enjoyment from inflicting physical pain— using chains and whips, for example— on their sexual partner during sexual activities. Other sadists get sexual gratification from humiliating or degrading their sexual partner: for example, calling them a 'bitch' or 'hoe' while fucking them or having their sexual partner watch them have sex with someone else. There are also sadists who sexually enjoy inflicting both physical and psychological pain and suffering.)

If you are a MASOCHIST, you get sexual pleasure from RECEIVING pain/ suffering from a sexual partner. So, for masochists who get sexual gratification from PHYSICAL PAIN, a feeling of pain can contain, in and of itself, the possibility of sensations of pleasure and they enjoy sexual activities in which they can experience this. Although, not all masochists enjoy the same painful activities (so, if a woman tells you that she is a masochist, don’t just automatically assume she wants you to start whipping her: she might just enjoy being slapped and that's it). There are also masochists who don’t get any enjoyment out of physical pain but get pleasure from being degraded and humiliated verbally: for example, they might enjoy being called a ‘stupid slut' or 'bitch' while being fucked.

Whilst feeling humiliated from being made to watch your sexual partner fuck someone else, or being called a 'stupid bitch', might seem like your worst fucking nightmare, there are masochists who fantasise about, consent to, and can get sexual pleasure out of experiencing this.

The B & D, the D & S, and the S & M are ALL About Consent

Although there are so many different elements to BDSM and so many different sexual activities that can be classified as BDSM, the thing that ties (pun intended) all the elements of BDSM exchanges between two, or more, people together is consent. BDSM necessarily involves consent and open communication about each individual person's desires and personal boundaries. (So, just to clarify, you can’t just fuck someone else in front of your sexual partner— if they don't consent to and enjoy this— and use, ‘I’m a sadist’, as an excuse to do this.)

Finally, the B & D, D & S, and S & M Can Be Implemented to Any Intensity

No matter whether you are into hardcore or less intense BDSM, you can enjoy BDSM to whatever intensity you consent to. So, even if you are just into one or two little slaps on the ass or a ponytail pull (sorry, here I am talking about pulling ponytails again), you can still say that you’re into BDSM: it’s totally fine if you simply enjoy BDSM on a less intense level! Someone who is into the more hardcore elements of BDSM isn’t ‘better’ at BDSM than you: BDSM is totally personal and includes bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism to absolutely ANY intensity.

So, if you want to try out BDSM, you don’t have to go and turn your bedroom into the ‘Red Room’— owned by Mr Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey— with chains and whips left, right, and centre and be told you’ve been a ‘bad girl’ etc whilst you hang from the bedroom ceiling (although, if this is a bit of you, you go and enjoy that)!

Remember, always, that female pleasure is self-care and that the sexual relationship that you have with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have in your life.

The Female Sex (Education)